In honor of Father’s Day this month, we sat down with Katie and her partner, Todd, to talk about how he showed up in support of her breastfeeding journey, and about how dads and partners can make things a little easier during a really challenging time for moms (one filled water bottle on the nightstand at a time!).
Q: When your partner decided to breastfeed, what was your first reaction?
Todd: Honestly, I wanted to be supportive, but I didn’t really know what that meant yet. I kind of thought, “That’s her department.” It took me a little while to realize that her success with breastfeeding had a lot to do with what I did, or didn’t do, around her. I was happy to learn that I had a lot bigger of a role than I initially thought, and found new ways to bond with our baby as time went on.
Q: What’s the biggest misconception partners have about breastfeeding?
Todd: I think it’s a misconception about breastfeeding in general that it’s easy and natural, so it doesn’t need much support from partners or society at large. The truth is, it can be really hard, especially in those first weeks. There’s pain, doubt, exhaustion, and so many other little things to worry about at the same time as trying to keep your baby healthy and thriving. The good news is, most of it gets much easier with time!
Q: What did a typical night look like in those early weeks?
Todd: I barely remember – it was all such a blur! Our newborn was feeding every two to three hours (sometimes cluster feeding every 45 minutes!), so I took on everything else that I could. I learned to bring Katie water and a snack before she even asked. I’d handle the burping, diaper changing, and settling after feeds so Katie could get back to sleep faster, and I made sure to let her rest throughout the day whenever I could take over for a bit with some skin-to-skin contact or tummy time. After my paternity leave ended and I went back to work, I knew it was important for us both to get as much sleep as possible, so Katie started pumping in order to allow me to bottle-feed the baby throughout the night. We got into a great rhythm with that.
Q: How did you handle it when breastfeeding got hard or your partner wanted to quit?
Todd: I am a problem solver by nature, but before I jumped in with solutions, I tried to ask “What do you need from me right now?” Sometimes Katie needed encouragement that she could keep going. Sometimes she needed me to just sit with her and talk about something non-baby related, or research the pain she was having to see if it was normal. At one point, during a really challenging night, I made sure to tell her that if she decided to stop, I would support that too. She started crying because she was so relieved to hear that, but she kept going!
Q: Did you ever reach out for resources or help on her behalf?
Todd: Yes, and I’d encourage every partner to do that. I looked into lactation consultants and found a free breastfeeding support group at our local hospital that brought Katie so much peace of mind (and new friends as a bonus). I also reached out to friends and family members who have walked this road before us, and asked if there was anything I could do that worked for them. At one point, my brother said to me, “Your only job is to make her job easier,” and that’s when I started to get more creative with how I could help.
Q: What role did you play during feeding times themselves?
Todd: I realized how hard it is to do things when you’re holding a crying baby in the middle of the night, so I tried to make sure Katie’s environment was set up for success. Pillow positioned, phone charged, water on the nightstand, a show queued up on the iPad. When our baby was tiny, the feeds felt so long – sometimes up to 45 minutes or an hour. The least I could do was make sure they were both comfortable.
Q: What would you want other partners and families to know about being a milk donor?
Todd: Katie eventually got through the most challenging parts of breastfeeding, and decided to donate some of her extra “liquid gold” to Mothers’ Milk Bank to help feed other babies in need of a healthier start. This was a really cool experience for our whole family because it allowed us to do something outside of our little baby bubble. The process was really clear and straightforward, and dropping off milk at the milk bank gave me something to do that felt really productive and mission-driven. For any family in a similar position, I’d just say don’t let that extra milk go to waste. Someone out there needs it.
Q: What would you say to a new dad or partner who feels a little left out of the feeding journey?
Todd: Your role is a big one, you just have to look for it – and don’t be afraid to ask for specifically what your partner needs. It changes often! I would also add that, as our baby has gotten bigger, spending time with him is really fun. If you’re feeling left out during the early days because all the baby is doing is eating, crying, and sleeping, just know that there’s so much goodness ahead!
Learn more about breastfeeding basics for dads, and when either of you need encouragement and to know you’re not alone in the breastfeeding journey, find some inspiration here!
